Greetings one and all. Firstly, I must offer my thanks to the vast numbers of you who sent birthday wishes on the auspicious occasion of my fifth birthday earlier in the week. I know what you're thinking, "fifth birthday? we thought he told us he was four!" Well, here's a strange thing, I thought I was four! After much argument between Tabby, Ginger Tail and my good self, and after several recounts, we came to the conclusion that we were all five - doesn't time fly. This unfortunate confusion only lends credence to the malicious and totally unfounded rumours spread around by housekeeping staff that us cats can't count. You will undoubtedly remember my earlier missive on the subject - click here if you don't. Anyway, I agreed with Tabby and Ginger Tail that all four of us will close rank on this and not mention it again.
Back to my birthday - it was a bit of a damp squib really. The one I don't trust grudgingly offered up a few extra prawns which were gratefully received. Unfortunately my poncy brother and stupid sister both think it is their birthday as well, so I had to share with them - most unsatisfactory. After breakfast, I went for a stroll, thinking the local cats would have lots of presents for me. I bumped into Riley, when I say bumped, I don't mean literally. If you did have the misfortune to actually collide with Riley, you would do yourself serious damage - he's about the size of a London bus. "Morning old boy" said Riley, "what a splendid day." "It most certainly is" I replied, "and a very special one at that." "I know" said Riley, "it's Tabby and Ginger Tail's birthday isn't it, I expect you've got them a nice present."I was flabbergasted - my flabber has never been so gasted! "But it is my birthday" I said. "Ho Ho Ho," said Riley, "Tabby told me that you'd say that." "But it is" I said desperately. "Nice try Bert, but I'm not going to fall for it - it's a bit of a poor show to pull a trick like that, just to get your paws on your brother and sister's presents." I knew it, it's that duplicitous poncy brother of mine. I hate him - wait until I get my paws on him.
As I wandered off to look for Tabby, a voice called out "happy birthday Bert, many happy returns." I looked round, and there was wise Old Black Tom sitting on the back wall. That's a bit more like it I thought, and hopped up next to him. "I've got you some big fat prawns Bert, I hope you like them" he said. "Most acceptable, I'm deeply obliged. I expect they will be delicious" I replied, and sat there expectantly. After an uncomfortable silence, I said, "shall I take them then?" "What do you mean?" he replied, "I thought you would have eaten them by now." "I haven't even seen them" I quickly replied. "Of course you have" said Old Black Tom, "Ginger Tail was here a little while ago, and to save me a journey, she very kindly offered to take them for you. She is a very thoughtful little cat, she knows I can't get around as well as I use to, and said it would save me a journey. How kind."I couldn't believe it. I rushed home, to be greeted by Ginger Tail and Tabby sitting on the back step licking their lips. "We've just eaten a big pot of prawns that Old Black Tom gave us" said Ginger Tail. "But they weren't yours, they were meant for me" I said. "Well we knew you would want to share them with us" said Tabby, "so we made a start. We were going to leave a few for you, but they were so nice, before we knew it they had all gone." Can you believe it, stitched up by my own kith and kin!
Well, that's my lot for today. I'm off to annoy the nasty little Jack Russell that lives next door. It always makes me feel better when I am in a bad mood. Do you know, I heard his owner talking the other day. Apparently she had to take him to the vet because he kept scratching. The vet told her that the mutt had a touch of mange. She was outraged and demanded a second opinion. "OK" replied the vet, "he's got fleas as well!" Ho Ho Ho.... What a Life! AlbertThe(five year old)Cat.
Guilt and Innocence
17 minutes ago